An Open Letter to Alcohol,
Oh, how we’ve tried to quit you so many times. Cast you out and claimed “Never again!” after yet another blacked-out evening in which our roommate recounts our actions in the morning like a courtroom stenographer.
But right now in our darkest days of isolation and quarantine, we have turned to you with mouth agape and you have poured all of yourself into the very Coors of us. Investing in us in these times of need – for now is when we Truly need you most.
Sure, you’ve turned us into the villain. Dropping slurred words in our mouths. Forcing us to pick unnecessary fights with unnecessary foes. Or simply causing us to pee in places that shouldn’t be pissed in (sorry again about your rug.)
But then again – there have been many a time where you’ve turned us into the hero. In those dwindling minutes before last call – you’ve given us the courage to shoot our shot for that last minute lay with a man and/or lady we should definitely not lay with in the daylight or any light for that matter (they call them blackout curtains for a reason, am I right?)
In those moments of public speaking when a shot of courage is all we needed to speak from our heart – you’ve been there.
And in those other moments when ours hearts wouldn’t shut the fuck up and our feelings creep to the surface like a pubescent pimple, you’ve been there to shove those feelings deep, deep down like our fathers and their fathers did before them.
Have you made us hurt in the morning like Katherine Heigl in Knocked Up after she drunkenly cross-pollinated with Seth Rogen? Oh, Absolut.
Have you made us want to curl into a ball, curse the heavens and then run quickly to the bathroom for an unexpected drippy shit? Unfortunately, yes, yes and no comment.
But, the highs you provide surely outweigh those lows (which there are more than a few).
Right now – now, more than ever, we need you. The world needs you. So much so in fact that you’ve been decreed ‘Essential.’
In the words of that one woman on the News in Pennsylvania, “I couldn’t go through this sober.”
We may not be able to be Patróns at our local pub. And we may not be able to pop open a few cold ones with a Bud, but Wiser men have suffered through worse.
And if you’re out there and you’re feeling alone – your parents Prozac has worn off and your state has yet to legalize marijuana for recreational use – raise a glass with the rest of us. Now, I may not be no Guinness, but now is not the time to be brave and ‘take a break’ from the bottle. No, no – Lean into her. She’ll get you through this, sweet Prince.
So remember, whether you’re northern or Southern, Comfort is what we all need most right now – so stay home, stay safe, and Stay Thirsty my friends.
Your friendly drunken neighbor,